It's confession time. And I'm writing this down for public knowledge to make myself more accountable. My devotion this morning from Proverbs 31 Ministries was about taming your tongue and the power such a small thing has. In case you haven't noticed yet, these devotions spur a lot of thought and insight in my life. I love reading them, even when they convict me.
I think I'm figuring something out. The only people I ever yell at are my kids. Now, WHY in the world would I choose to only yell at the little ones that I love more than anything in the world and who are so vulnerable to what I say and do to them?
I have always been a "peacemaker" in my family. I am the middle child of 5 kids. I always held my feelings in, and still do a lot, and just didn't really say much. I was very quiet. Now that I am a wife and mother and have my own home, I have opened up a lot. My dear husband has drawn me out of my shell a good bit.
But I find myself yelling at my children. I get so frustrated when they disobey, when they are fighting, or when they are just not listening to me, and I yell at them. Now, everyone knows that yelling at kids really isn't effective. It more or less just scares them for a minute, long enough for you to get a word in. But it is NOT effective parenting or disciplining. In fact, at times they think it's funny and laugh when I get so wound up that I yell. So, why do I do it?
I mean, I don't even ever yell at Jeremy when I get mad. With him, as with everyone else, I shut down, at least at first. If I begin to speak, I get upset and tears tend to fill my eyes. And we all know guys hate it when girls "bring on the waterworks." And I never mean to cry, it's just what happens.
But I've decided that the reason I feel more free to yell at my kids is because I do not have the fear that they will love me any less. I am their Mama. And when we are the only ones at home, there is no one there to judge how I am acting. All the years of pent up emotions that I didn't let out are now coming out very loudly toward my children. I know I must stop this. Even just yelling to tell them something because I don't feel like getting off the couch and walking to the room where they are needs to stop. It's a really bad habit that I do NOT like in myself.
So, beginning today, I am starting the healing process of this habit. When I find myself yelling, or about to yell, for whatever reason, I am going to tighten my lips, and pause. I know this will not be easy. And there will be many times that I fail. But I'm viewing this as a process that will get better over time, if I try.
One other note...I WILL yell if my child is in danger and it is necessary to get their attention. :) But, I'm hoping and praying that all other yelling will cease. I'd appreciate any prayers for me in this.
This is the prayer from the devotion by Luann Prater of the Proverbs 31 Ministries this morning:
Dear Lord, Thank you for reminding us that a tongue can rip a heart apart, or seal it back together. Teach us to pause long enough to give your Spirit time to work in and through us. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Also, a friend just showed me a book called "Scream Free Parenting" that sounds like a perfect book for this situation. Here is a YouTube link for an ad for the book.
My dear friend, the sad fact is that we all yell at times, and I know I feel as though I had been pushed to the limits at that point. You know I have been working on numerous aspects of my life that I want to change, and this is a big one! Truthfully so far we have come up with a strict time-out. When I can I simply walk over to whomever is causing the chaios, and talk to them one time, the next time is a time-out no matter what. The time-out is the hardest part for both the kids and myself. I had to learn to let Hayden scream and cry and totally ignore him. No matter how much he cried "momma" (oh, it hurts your heart so bad to hear your baby cry out for you) I refuse to answer, trust me, this is hard even for his 4 1/2 minutes. You can't imagine how I feel writing this to you, I have always looked at you as the better mom (of us two), (the one with the patience of a saint). I confess I watched a Dr. Phil episode and this is when my screaming at my kids came to light. He did the time out thing kinda like the super nanny except everytime the kid got up and didn't stay where put, he reset the timer. I also leave the timer with whomever, so they can see their time decreasing. We have a talk just as super nanny and Dr. Phil suggest and I explain if that go back to whatever put them in time-out in the first place they will simply go back. My biggest issue with my two right now is the not listening! Christy I can speak and its like noone is in the room at all. When this happens if I walk over and turn off the tv, when the wii is on, I get attention quickly:) Trust me you are not the only mom going through this right now, you are just such a good person you saw that what you were doing was not effective and it didn't make you feel good. Whatever works for you in your household is what you need to do, not all kids are the same, we both know that! Sometimes we are just locked up in these houses b/c of the rain or heat and the kids get just as frustrated as we do, anyway I want you to know that you are a great mom, one of the best I know, this is one of the qualities I love the most about you! If you need to get out your house today, ya'll come on over, I try to entertain the boys as much as possible with games inside until about 3 then I take them out to the pool, but its still killer hot out. Love ya always, Mandy
ReplyDeleteMy flip-book of quotes has stayed open on Proverbs 15:1 for a very long time now. I need the daily reminder. You're right--we don't yell at anyone else. We feel driven to it, so we often feel justified in it. Thanks for the reminder and the challenge.
ReplyDeleteIt takes a lot of courage to write these words - both as a parent and as the quiet middle-child! Your desire to be a better parent and your insight about why your anger comes out with your kids and not in your adult relationships is so wise.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking very humbly as someone who doesn't yet have children... I'm also wondering, in addition to biting your tongue, if it might be helpful to find other ways and relationships in which you can express your anger and frustrations more fully?
More than anything, I love how you have been emerging from the shell in recent years, and I'm looking forward to knowing more of you as you continue to emerge. As the drama queen of the family, I'm invited to be still and listen when you emerge - which is very exciting even though it's hard for me. :)
p.s. I literally gave MYSELF a time-out once with Antonio, because I had lost my cool during 1 of his tantrums. Pretty funny.
What a wonderful post Christy. It is so encouraging to me, because it's something I have really been struggling with too. Thanks for putting this out there.
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