An attempt to start blogging again...

It's been quite a while since I posted anything here. Summertime makes it harder, quite frankly, because I can't think straight long enough to get my thoughts sorted out to type them, particularly with my rowdy little boys running circles around me and needing stuff. I love being a mom, but it doesn't make for quiet times of reflection when we are on break from school. :-)

I haven't known where to start again, but I've felt the need to start posting again, whether anyone else is reading this or not. I like getting thoughts written down, especially ones that I think might impact someone else the way they've impacted me.

I was just reading in Romans and read a verse that puts into words something I know I was taught, but didn't realize was stated so well in just one verse, even though I'm sure I've read it several times in my life, and I thought it worth sharing:

Romans 3:20 says, "Therefore no one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of sin."

I think perhaps now that I have kids to whom I am working hard to teach the Word of God, there are certain things that are standing out to me now as I work to convey these principles to them. This is one of them. We all sin. We all will keep sinning. God's grace is what saves us through our faith in Him, believing that He died on the cross to save us from our sin, raising to life again, and coming to live in our hearts when we trust Him and ask His forgiveness.

Romans 3:22-24 says, "This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Jesus Christ."

Justified FREELY by His GRACE!

I pray my children understand this the best our human minds can comprehend.

For the Good of Those Who Love Him

I am so thankful for the many ways God blesses me. I feel like I say this a lot, but it's true, and I'm just going to keep on! As I have mentioned before, our family of four will be moving to Tokyo, Japan by the end of this summer. (As of today, we are expecting to go over in August. This is subject to change at all times. Thus, the constant state of prayer and readiness.) :-)

Well, God has his hand in all that goes on, and I am loving how obviously He is showing it to me. There are two families also going over there on the same project that I am excited about getting to know. I have never met these two families, but thanks to Facebook, I am getting acquainted with the ladies. Ironically, one of the families is who we bought this house from. It's all crazy, I know.

What I am most excited about is that these families both love the Lord and serve Him and worship Him! God knows that we will all need each other, or at least I will need them! One of these ladies messaged the other two of us yesterday asking if we liked Beth Moore and would be interested in doing her Bible study on James once we were all there and settled. Ummm...that would be awesome!!! So, that is something else I can look forward to.

I am so thankful for these things and the way God is using this whole experience of moving to another country to teach me so much about Him. Just since we decided we were going on this huge adventure, before we even leave, I feel like I have grown so much spiritually. I am amazed daily at what God is doing in my heart and my life through all of this, and so grateful for the way He is "working all things together for our good."

He is Faithful!

I am amazed at how much God has blessed me. I may have written this before. But I just feel so blessed. I have a loving husband who works hard to provide for our family. I have two amazing little boys who are healthy and fun and bring such joy to our lives. I have a beautiful home that I enjoy with my family. And I am able to be a stay at home mom, taking care of my wonderful family and home. I am so blessed.


I also love the time I have in the mornings, once I've sent the kids to school and the husband to work, that I get to spend with the Lord. It is so quiet and I can really dwell on Him. It has made such a difference in my life, and I am thankful for this time. 


"Jesus Calling," by Sarah Young, said this today: "Be still in the light of My Presence, while I communicate Love to you." As a mother of two little boys who are full of life (i.e. loud and active), it is essential that I find time to "be still" and really dwell in His Presence, allowing His Love to surround me. My whole outlook on life, but particularly the daily things that may seem insignificant, is truly impacted by this. I have found true joy and peace in Him.


Now, this is not to say that I don't still have days when I feel down or overwhelmed. But it does mean that I have hope, and that I know where to turn when I feel this way. It's not always easy to get back up, but knowing where to go for help makes all the difference in the world. As much as I love and depend on my husband, he is not the one I should turn to to pick me back up. Only Jesus can really do this. People fail. God does not. This is a promise that I can rely on. God is in control of my life, and I can depend on Him to help me through anything I may face, big or small. For this, I am so thankful!

Peace

On this rainy day here in St. Francisville, LA, God still gives me a few peeks of the sun to help me know He's with me. As I was journaling a prayer to Him, sitting in my glider by the windows of our sitting area, the sun peeked through at a particular time, for just a few seconds, and I really felt God's Presence with me. Isn't it amazing how that can happen when we are focused on God? We can really recognize Him.

I also took a little walk down to the pond this morning after bringing the garbage cans back up to the house. It was soggy from all the rain, but it was so peaceful. There are geese and ducks by the pond. And I watched the two ducks waddle back into the water and swim around, side by side. It was nice. Nature is just so beautiful, peaceful, and calming. And I needed that. I've always enjoyed just sitting in the quiet of nature. It can heal.

There are so many things changing and so many decisions to make, that it's just good to see the beauty of God's creation, to feel His peace. I guess that's part of the reason Jeremy likes to go fishing down there after work. Or why he's always enjoyed fishing and hunting. Just to be in nature, away from the worries of life and decisions and responsibilities, and enjoy time in the beauty God has given us.

I thank God all the time that he's given us this home to enjoy as long as we are here. We are surrounded by this beauty and quiet. He knows what we need and when we need it. He's in control of our lives, and I thank Him for it!

Blessed

I am just feeling blessed today. Well, really I'm blessed every day. But today I just feel like sharing this feeling.

I am so thankful to God that I get to be a stay-at-home mom! This has been my heart's desire for as long as I can remember, and I've been able to do it since Tyler was born (8+ years now). And the Lord has made it possible. I have an amazing husband who loves me and takes care of me. He has a good job that provides for our family. We have two amazing little boys that I love. I am just so thankful that I have this opportunity.

I love being able to participate in my kids' lives, whether they are at home, at school, playing ball, whatever. I love being able to go to the school and have lunch with them when I want. I love going on field trips with them. I love going to their classrooms to help with stuff and get to know their friends. I love watching them play football, baseball, LEGO's, fishing, or whatever else they do.

I also love being able to go grocery shopping "unassisted" when there are not so many people at the store in the middle of the week during the school year. (Let's be honest now.) I love being able to take care of my home. I really don't mind most of the housework, except for dusting. I hate dusting. I love being able to take care of things that Jeremy needs me to take care of while he is at work. I love being "Mom."

I am also thankful for the other moms in my life, whether they "stay home" too, or not. My two older sisters are the ones I go to for advice and prayer first and most often. I know and love and trust them, and I know they will pray for me. I also know that they are in the "trenches" of motherhood, just like me. There are others that live around me that I see and talk to occasionally, who help me to feel like a normal mom whose kids aren't perfect but no less precious. There are blogs I read that encourage me in my marriage and in motherhood. Then there are my Facebook friends, who post the funny, crazy, or challenging things their kids are doing. These things all help me.

There is much encouragement in sharing life's joys and challenges with those around us. None of us is perfect. And neither are our kids (or husbands). I appreciate the shared misery (ha ha!), the inspiration, and the challenges that other moms give me, as well as the prayer, support, and encouragement. Thank you, fellow moms!

My Heart

Most of my heart is 15 time zones away right now. My amazing husband has been in Japan since last Tuesday. He will return this Thursday, extremely jet-lagged, I'm sure. I think this is the longest we've been apart since we got married. So it's been kind of hard for me.

He's in Tokyo for work, and there is a 15 hour time difference. This makes it a bit of a challenge to get to talk, but we've managed to do it at least once a day. Thank the Lord for Skype! I really am thankful for Skype. To be able to actually see him while I'm talking to him helps SO much! I've stayed up pretty late a few nights to be able to talk to him once he got a chance after work. And the boys and I got up earlier yesterday and I drove them to school so we'd have a little bit of time to talk to him before he went to sleep. They also got a quick good morning from him this morning before they got on the bus. These things make him feel not quite so far away and make this week and a half much more bearable. Have I mentioned before that I don't function as well without him?!

Well, the latest news on our move to Japan is that we will not be going until August. This could also change again on any given day. We'll see. Although I get worked up at first whenever I'm given new information that changes my plans, I've learned that if I just go straight to God in prayer about it, He is giving me amazing peace about it all! I've always believed that God gives me peace, but I'm still kind of amazed at the reality of this in this experience. I'm "rolling with the punches" that are coming at us. And I know that as long as Jeremy and I and the boys are together, we can go (or stay) anywhere and be happy in our adventures.

I am so thankful that God has blessed me with my incredible husband and 2 amazing little boys, who are getting not quite so little as each day passes. And I'm so thankful for the love, prayers and support of my extended family. I rely on their prayers a lot too. I'm blessed to have some amazing prayer warriors in my family. I go to them for advice a lot too. It's so nice to know that I can talk to them whenever I need to, even if I'm on the other side of the world. Technology is wonderful, when it's cooperating. :) (Mama, we've got to get you a webcam so we can Skype!)

God is in control, and I'm trusting that He's working things out for what's best for us!

Again?

Well, God's working on me again...or still. I'm not going to share details. But today, I'm clinging, quite hard, to Jeremiah 29:11: " 'I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, ' plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future.' "

From the book "Jesus Calling" these words are also prevalent for me today: "If you believe that I am Sovereign over every aspect of your life, it is possible to trust Me in all situations. Don't waste energy regretting the way things are or thinking about what might have been. Start at the present moment - accepting things exactly as they are - and search for My way in the midst of those circumstances."

I know that God is in control of what will happen in my life. I sure wish I knew what His plan was and how it was going to work out. But that is what He's teaching me, right? To just trust Him to work it out. I'm firmly believing that it will all work out "for the good of those who love Him."

In the meantime...I pray. I don't think I've spent this much time in constant prayer in my life. I'm glad that I have Jesus to cling to, to love me, to guide me. I'd be a crazy and very bitter person otherwise. Anyone who would like to pray for us too is welcome to! :)

Emotional

My emotions are running pretty high right now. That's probably not the best time to blog. But the writing helps me work through my emotions. I'm on a roller coaster these days. My post entitled "Coming to Peace" explains some of the cause of this roller coaster ride. Here's more on that...

Our family will be moving to Japan within the next few months. Yep, the other side of the world from here. We will be there for about 2 years, then move to Singapore for about a year after that. Should I continue? Or is that enough explanation?

We are excited about this new chapter in our lives. It will be an adventure. Jeremy is actually there right now for work, staying for about a week and a half. That's the other cause of my emotional ride. I don't do very well without him. I'm pretty dependent on him for a lot of things, particularly making me feel calm and normal and happy. We are getting to Skype, which helps A LOT! But still, he's not here. I'm sure you all understand. Also, Tokyo is 15 hours ahead of us here, so figuring out a time to talk is a little bit of a challenge. I can't just call or text him when I feel like telling him something or hearing his voice because I'd have to wake him up to do it. But there is a good stretch in our afternoons that we can talk, depending on what time he wakes up over there. I was also up until about 1 am talking to him.

As far as the move goes...there are just so many decisions to make and preparations to handle that I tend to get a little stressed at times, although "overwhelmed" may be the more accurate term. Most of the stress is that I do not yet have instructions on what all I need to do. I've been told by others the things that they had to do, but I don't know details yet. So, it's really the unknown that worries me more than anything. I've actually been doing quite well, I think. I am in constant prayer, which is the only reason that I've not gone crazy yet. The Lord is teaching me so much through this experience. The lessons I'm learning, particularly to trust completely in Him, giving Him control of our circumstances, are essential.

I'm learning flexibility too! This has never been something that I'm very good at. I like to know ahead of time exactly how things should go so that I can plan and be prepared and just know what to expect going into something. This is NOT going to happen in this situation. I know that, and I've come to accept that.

Once we knew that we were going to move, we didn't really know when the move would be. The window was January to June of this year. We still don't really know. We thought in Dec that it would be around the end of Feb., but now it looks like it will be May/June. But that could change again too. This is hard for me. Again, it's the unknown. But it is one of the things God is using to teach me.

I'm taking things one day at a time, CHOOSING not to get stressed when I feel out of control over what's happening. I still feel overwhelmed at times, like today when other things start to stress me, like the boys not getting along and Jeremy isn't here to help with that. But I am not supposed to be in control. God is. And that's the thing I try to remember. He IS in control, so there is no need for me to worry.

And we really are excited about it all. Jeremy got to look at some apartments and houses that we could live in once we get over there. He was pleasantly surprised at what was available to us. He's also already getting more comfortable with the whole "big city" life that we are unaccustomed to. There are trains and subways and lots of walking and bike-riding that we will do to get around, and he's figuring that out after being there for just a few days.

There will be so many things that we will get to see and do while we live there that we are very much looking forward to. I'm going to have to start planning our weekend adventures now! That will probably be a better use of my time than the worrying. And the boys will be going to an amazing school, The American School in Japan (ASIJ). I'm excited for them and all that they will experience. And they are excited about the Sumo wrestling and the taekwondo. There are also several other people that are already living there that have children close to our kids' age, so that will be great for all of us!

Okay, I'm starting to calm down now and feel better. I read a little of the Psalms before I started writing too. I just needed the comfort. Hopefully Jeremy will be waking up soon and we can Skype and I'll be even better.

Coming to Peace

God's really working on my heart. My emotions are all over the place. There are a few verses that have been hitting me in the face from all directions in the past few weeks. I've come across them in my quiet times, devotions I get through email, an ebook I'm reading, and in the Karen Kingsbury books that I've been losing myself in. (On a side note...she's become my favorite author over this past year or so since I started reading her books. Probably more on that later.)


The verses are these:


Philippians 4:8 - "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."


Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works together for the good of those who love him, who are called according to his purpose."



Jeremiah 29:11 - "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"


There are some things going on in my life that a few know about and most others do not. We are supposed to be moving to Tokyo, Japan and then Singapore for the next 3 or so years. We are not exactly sure of when we will be leaving, but it will likely be between January and March of this coming year. People, that's just a few months from now that we will be moving to another country!


Anxiety and excitement are both involved in the emotional roller coaster I'm on about this season in our lives. Since it is a temporary assignment for Jeremy's job, we are on Exxon's schedule, which is not anything like my schedule! So, for now, since there's not much I can do to prepare for this move, I am asking God to prepare my heart - and He is! And He is more in control of what's going on than Exxon is! (Thankfully!)


I tend to fret over things when they are out of my control and I want them to be IN my control. There are so many details that will have to be worked out before we leave the country for a few years, but there's very little I can do at this point, particularly since we don't know exactly when we will be leaving. This is a hard thing for this OCD planner. So, I'm sincerely giving it to God, and He's really blessing me already with a peace that I could not have imagined that I'd have in this situation.


I'm clinging to the verses He's showing me. I'm thinking more on things that are excellent and praiseworthy rather than fretting over things that stress me. I'm confident that He has a plan for me and my family in this season of our lives and that it will be for our good. I'm thankful that He's showing me these things now, and that He keeps showing them to me to remind me that He is in control. I'm excited about what He's going to do in our lives while we live in another country (or two!). And I'm completely trusting in Him, because if I don't, I don't think I could handle it! :)

Praying for my Husband

As promised...more blog posts! I just have a lot more quiet time to think these days. I am spending actual quiet time, uninterrupted, as long as I want, with the Lord each morning. This has not happened like this in quite some time. I have to admit, it is so good, and just what I need, especially at this juncture in my life.

Today I began reading Tracie Miles' 14 Days to a Healthier Marriage. She is an author and speaker for the Proverbs 31 ministries. I have their "Encouragement for Today" devotions emailed to me. I really enjoy them. They spur me on to my quiet time every morning, and I really look forward to reading them.

I just started it this morning, so I read through the intro and day 1, which is praying for your husband. She says she realized she had been praying to God about her husband and not for her husband. Now, I have always prayed for my husband. And I honestly don't have many complaints about him to pray for God to "fix," as she references to. But this encouraged me to begin praying more intently for him, and to be very specific about it. She said that Stormie Omartian's The Power of a Praying Wife is what inspired this in her. And in this book, there are chapters with specific aspects of your husband's life to pray for. So, this is where I am going to start.

No matter what state your marriage is in - wonderful and happy, stable but not amazing, or really shaky - praying for your husband is an amazing thing to do. It will benefit him and you. I believe that I will also begin seeing things that I can do to make our marriage even better. I am looking forward to what God is going to do in our lives and in our marriage.

Moms Need Other Moms

As I'm cleaning the bathrooms this morning in a quiet house, my mind wanders. I mean, I'm not going to focus too much on the toilet. I had a fun girls night out last night with some very sweet ladies, 2 of whom are moms themselves and one will be in about 9 months! :) Our husbands all work together and will soon begin what they call "turnaround" at work. To us wives, this means our husbands will be working 12-14 hour days, 7 days a week for about 2 months straight. We decided we should be proactive in having a girls night out together before we all struggle through the time of missing our husbands. We are also planning to have another one when it's all over. ;)

I've just been thinking about how much these friendships and so many others I have mean to me. Moms really need other moms. It just helps us to keep our sanity. Although each of our children are different, we all struggle with so many of the same struggles and experience a lot of the same joys. It is so good to share this with others who understand.

I rely a lot on my older sisters, who are amazing, godly examples of wives and mothers for me. They are the ones I pretty much always go to for advice on just about anything - parenting, marriage, prayer requests. I am so thankful to God for the family that I have.

And then there are so many friends that I talk to in various ways (or they talk to me) - girls night out, Facebook, blogs. As I talk, listen, and read, I realize how critical it is for us to have this connection. As we talk about any struggles or frustrations we have (not just complaining all the time), we can almost ALWAYS find that we are not the only ones who have these thoughts or feelings. We are not alone. And it is always easier to face something and conquer it when someone else is with you. And it really just makes me feel better to know that I am not alone.

On the other side, I read Facebook posts or blogs about friends' joys and encouragement in being a mother and a wife. Even though most of them do not know their impact, these things really encourage me as a wife and mother to be the best I can be to my husband and children. A lot of them challenge me in many ways.

I just want to encourage all moms to keep communicating with each other. Share all the good and the bad. We all benefit from it one way or another. We help each other to become better moms.

Thank you to all the other moms in my life, including my own, who was and is a good example to me. I realize more things as I grow older that my Mama did and does well as a mother, particularly being a prayer warrior. It's good to know that people who love you are faithful to pray for you.

Letting Go

I just put my 7 year old on the bus to school. I came back inside to read my devotion as my 3 year old watches TV. The devotion is about how we pray, particularly for our children.

This is the first year I have "let" my child ride the bus to school. As a kindergartener, I felt he was just too little, and that just carried over into first grade. He has always wanted to ride the bus to school. I just wouldn't ever let him. Honestly, I was worried that his safety was out of my control. It also adds a bit of time to his school day, which doesn't seem to be bothering him so far this year. We are on day 4 now.

My fears and worries about putting him on the bus were not eased on the very first morning of school when the bus never showed up on our street! Apparently our bus driver didn't know she had our road to pick up. Well, I load up Tyler, and Tucker (no shoes) and our neighbor and drive them to school. No, I didn't just drop the kids off. I parked and went in. I talked to the assistant principal who is in charge of the busses. Several other parents and friends were still at the school helping kids find their classrooms, so I talked to them as well. And of course the principal was out and I talked to him. All of this was done as I looked like I had just rolled out of bed. My hair was all twisted up and pulled back. I didn't have any makeup on. I had a tank top and some knit FSU shorts on. I wasn't looking my best for the first day of school. After all, I wasn't planning on going to school yet. But I had to make sure this bus issue wasn't going to be an issue. I also had to be sure Tyler got his "tag" so they knew which bus he should get on to get home after school.

I don't think the bus issue is completely resolved yet. But I've talked to who I need to talk to to get it right. He's being the first on in the mornings and last off in the afternoons. This is not how it's supposed to work. But I've been told it will be resolved. None of this is bothering Tyler yet, and I don't think he even knows I've been talking to anyone about it to fix it. But I'd rather not have him adding an hour to an hour and a half to his school day for no reason, especially in the south Louisiana heat!

Okay, now that my rant is over...on to what this post should be about...letting go! :) You see, this is a very difficult thing for me. I tend to hover over my children to make sure they are happy and cared for and have everything they could possibly need. Putting Tyler on the bus to school is a step for me in letting go. I'm losing a little bit of control. But, this is a good thing. Tyler needs to learn more independence, and I feel confident that he is up to the task.

As I prayed for him this morning, I prayed for his safety and other things. But I seemed to get kind of stuck as I was asking God to help me let go of him and put him into HIS hands. I know I mean this, and I want this, but apparently, it's going to be hard to relinquish control.

Now I know he is just 7 years old, and I still have a good deal of control over what happens in his life, but there are some areas where I need to back off. I am very involved in the school and things that go on there and in his classroom so I can be a part of his life even when he is at school. I remember Jeremy saying to Tyler one day as we were getting ready for a field trip that Tyler couldn't get away without Mama. So far, I don't think this bothers him. In fact, he at least acts like he enjoys it, especially when Tucker gets to come along. They are best friends. It is part of the advantage of my being a stay-at-home mom. I can get involved.

But as I was praying, I really felt like God was telling me that although I was praying this - to put Tyler is HIS hands - I wasn't really doing it. I'm thinking about whether I'm really willing to let go of him and let God have him. Hannah did this with Samuel at a VERY early age. I cannot imagine what all she went through to do this. She seemed willing and happy to do it, as she promised. But I think of all the things she "missed out on" as he was growing up. Yes, she saw him, visited him and talked to him, I believe. But she was not the one in control of his life. This would be hard.

This is another journey for me as a mother. I feel like when I post things about motherhood that I'm dealing with, as in my "Why do I yell?" post, I get advice and support from others who deal with the same things. And it really helps. So, if there are others who read this and have something you'd like to share on this topic, please do! It may help me, you, or others!

Why Do I Yell?

It's confession time. And I'm writing this down for public knowledge to make myself more accountable. My devotion this morning from Proverbs 31 Ministries was about taming your tongue and the power such a small thing has. In case you haven't noticed yet, these devotions spur a lot of thought and insight in my life. I love reading them, even when they convict me.

I think I'm figuring something out. The only people I ever yell at are my kids. Now, WHY in the world would I choose to only yell at the little ones that I love more than anything in the world and who are so vulnerable to what I say and do to them?

I have always been a "peacemaker" in my family. I am the middle child of 5 kids. I always held my feelings in, and still do a lot, and just didn't really say much. I was very quiet. Now that I am a wife and mother and have my own home, I have opened up a lot. My dear husband has drawn me out of my shell a good bit.

But I find myself yelling at my children. I get so frustrated when they disobey, when they are fighting, or when they are just not listening to me, and I yell at them. Now, everyone knows that yelling at kids really isn't effective. It more or less just scares them for a minute, long enough for you to get a word in. But it is NOT effective parenting or disciplining. In fact, at times they think it's funny and laugh when I get so wound up that I yell. So, why do I do it?

I mean, I don't even ever yell at Jeremy when I get mad. With him, as with everyone else, I shut down, at least at first. If I begin to speak, I get upset and tears tend to fill my eyes. And we all know guys hate it when girls "bring on the waterworks." And I never mean to cry, it's just what happens.

But I've decided that the reason I feel more free to yell at my kids is because I do not have the fear that they will love me any less. I am their Mama. And when we are the only ones at home, there is no one there to judge how I am acting. All the years of pent up emotions that I didn't let out are now coming out very loudly toward my children. I know I must stop this. Even just yelling to tell them something because I don't feel like getting off the couch and walking to the room where they are needs to stop. It's a really bad habit that I do NOT like in myself.

So, beginning today, I am starting the healing process of this habit. When I find myself yelling, or about to yell, for whatever reason, I am going to tighten my lips, and pause. I know this will not be easy. And there will be many times that I fail. But I'm viewing this as a process that will get better over time, if I try.

One other note...I WILL yell if my child is in danger and it is necessary to get their attention. :) But, I'm hoping and praying that all other yelling will cease. I'd appreciate any prayers for me in this.

This is the prayer from the devotion by Luann Prater of the Proverbs 31 Ministries this morning:
Dear Lord, Thank you for reminding us that a tongue can rip a heart apart, or seal it back together. Teach us to pause long enough to give your Spirit time to work in and through us. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Also, a friend just showed me a book called "Scream Free Parenting" that sounds like a perfect book for this situation. Here is a YouTube link for an ad for the book.

All I Need

At church yesterday morning, we sang a song that had the phrase, "I believe that He is all I need." As I sat there with a sleeping 3 year old in my lap (because he refused to go into his class), I had to really think about what I was singing.

I have sung many times, and know in my mind, that He is all I need. But, when I saw the "I believe" part at the beginning of that phrase, it made me stop and really think about that.

Do I really believe in my heart, not just know in my mind, that Jesus is ALL that I need?

I've been having a really hard time the past 2 weeks as Jeremy was out of town for a couple of days, and then he's had to be at work for long hours and even this weekend, both Saturday and Sunday. I just do not function well without him around to help me with the boys and to just BE here with me to talk to, look at, and do the things he does to keep me sane and happy.

So, this popped into my head as I'm examining my heart. If Christ is really all that I need, why am I so dependent on Jeremy for happiness and well-being? I am still working on figuring this out, but here are some of my thoughts.

At first, I thought that I'm just not near enough to God to let Him be truly all that I need. This is true, but I don't think that is all there is to it. I thought about the marriage relationship and what God intended it to be. "It is not good for man to be alone." God created man and woman to be "helpers." God put Jeremy in my life to help me, and for me to help him. God uses our spouse to bring us what we need in our lives, like love and friendship.

Although I do feel that my emotions and my state of mind may be a bit too dependent on Jeremy at times, I also do not want to discount our relationship and what God intended for us. I DO need Jeremy to help me keep my sanity many days, and I am much happier and function better when he is home more and available to me and the boys. It also helps to know that he would much rather be at home with us than at work, but sometimes he has to be there for longer hours and we just have to adjust to this (even if we don't do it very well). And I do not want to ever make him feel bad for having to work during these times. It is part of his job, and I understand this. He works hard to provide for us and I appreciate what he does, and that it enables me to stay at home with our children. But neither of us likes it when he has to be gone so much.

So, I guess I've come to the conclusion, at least at this point in writing, that I do believe that He (Jesus) is all that I need, but I need to work on the action part of this in relying on Him more to be my strength each day. I also believe that He has sent Jeremy to me and often times uses him to strengthen me and help me through hard times, and keep me happy through good ones. I keep my faith in God, and he sends people to me to provide what I need at that time, whether it be Jeremy or any of my other family or friends. I am thankful to God for giving me such wonderful, and godly, family and friends that I can turn to.

My Calling

I am thankful that God has shown me what He has called me to do with my life - at least for this stage of my life. Being a wife and stay-at-home mother is definitely my calling, even if I feel inadequate and overwhelmed most days. I know without a doubt that this is what God has called me to do.

While my kids are growing up, I am going to be there for them for everything they do and say. I am investing my life in trying to teach them how to be the best that they can be, and to have a heart for God. I am also allowed the time to invest in my marriage. Although the kids can wear me out a lot, I am not also worn out by another full-time job that depletes me of all that I have left to give. I can save some energy and attention for my husband for when he gets home from work.

Now, ideally this would happen like June Cleaver, who is still perfectly groomed, energetic and positive at the end of every day. But in reality, this is not the case. But God has allowed Jeremy and I the means for me to be able to stay at home, which can allow me the time and energy I need to focus on our home - my husband and children - and prepare myself to greet my husband in a loving way and do my best to give him the attention that he needs and wants.

I thank God daily for this gift. It really is a gift, even if there are days I'd like to give it back. :) But I am really not ungrateful for this gift. I treasure it. And I thank God that I know I am doing what He wants me to do with my life.

Honestly, I've wanted to be a wife and mommy since I was a little girl. This was my goal. I do not see this as a lack of ambition, as some may see it. I do have a degree in accounting, which I have used, and may end up using again...we'll see. But, God's calling has been clear to me, and I am thankful for the opportunity to make it possible. God has provided the way for it to happen.

There was a brief time when I thought it was not going to work out just like I wanted it to. After Tyler was born, I actually put him in a daycare and went to work. On paper, we didn't think it would work for my income to be totally wiped out. So, I went back to work, a crying mess. My employers were very gracious and understanding. My boss's boss, the CFO of the company, suggested that I take 1/2 days that first week back. What a blessing that turned out to be, in many ways.

Long story short...one of those afternoons that I got off at lunch time, I went to pick up Tyler and went out to run a few errands. I stopped by my former employers' office to show off my new baby. While I was there, they asked about my work situation, and I told them honestly that I was working again, but didn't want to. I really wanted to be home with my baby, and that if I could find something I could do from home, that desire would be possible.

Well, the following week they called me and asked if I would be interested in doing their accounting work again, just as I had done before. Only this time, they have it set up where I can do it from my home! Can you believe this? Only God could have worked this out!!! I was amazed, but at the same time, I knew how much I had prayed, and how much my family and friends were praying for me. This was God at work.

Of course I told them I'd have to discuss it with Jeremy, just to be sure it would work out, but..."YES! I'll do it!" So, Tyler only had to be in daycare for a month of his life. He was not scarred, although I think I was. :)

I was able to keep that part-time accounting job, working from my home, for about 3 years. That's when Tucker came along. And by this time, Tyler was no longer napping, and I now had 2 children to take care of. Finding time to do this work became increasingly difficult. But once again, God provided. Jeremy had been given raises and promotions at work through the years that made it possible for me to quit my part-time job and focus on my current employment. Although each time we weren't sure just how the finances would work out, God provided for us and we have been just fine.

I know that there will be different stages of my life that this situation will change. There will be more things that God wants me to do, and I pray that I will be open to hearing and doing His will. But for now, I have peace in knowing that I am where He wants me to be - a wife and mother in our home.

Today

Today is just a day that I want to write. I'm not a writer by nature, but it really helps me get my thoughts and feelings in order. If I am just sitting, thinking, my mind wanders around. So, if I really want to sort out my thoughts and feelings, I write. I also do this with my prayers. If I am going to really spend some time in prayer, I get my journal out and write it out. (Although, typing is much faster and easier on the hands.)

Earlier today, I was typing out some thoughts and feelings that are quite frankly too personal to share with the world. But it really helped me feel better to get it out, even if it wasn't TO anyone. When I feel sad or depressed, I have a hard time getting myself out of it. But, God helped me through it today.

The sun is shining and the temperatures are just about perfect, so I opened the windows and let some fresh air in. As I was sitting on the couch, I noticed (again) all of the dog hair on the couches, so I decided to vacuum those, which takes a while with all the pillows and cushions on them. But, Tucker wanted to help too, so it turned out to be something that we worked on together.

Then, I took the vacuum to the window sills since I noticed how badly they needed cleaning when I opened them. They also got a good cleaning with some handy Clorox wipes. (I love those things!)

I know that this type of cleaning may sound painful to most of you (if anyone is reading this), but it is very therapeutic to me. With spring in the air, and my need to do something productive to raise my mood, cleaning is something that helps me feel better when my mood is down.

My dilemma usually comes when I get too focused on cleaning and my housework to spend the amount of time that I should with Tucker during the day when Tyler is at school. I can get pretty obsessed with my housework. There are so many times that I would LOVE to feel relaxed and free enough to just let it go and do something fun with my boys. But, for some reason, I seem to keep thinking about all of the things I could "just do real quick" before I pay attention to them. (If anyone has any advice for me, I'd love to hear it.)

But today, Tucker wanted to help, so it was a win/win situation. Perhaps he has realized that this is what Mommy does, and it is a good way to do something with me. We play a lot of games - board games, Wii games - and we even practiced writing some letters today. But, he typically plays so well by himself during the day that I have become accustomed to just letting him do that while I go about my business of housework and other things. I would love to change this, but am not sure how to start.

Well, I really feel like I am just rambling. This is kind of what I created this blog for... just to have a place to keep my thoughts and share some things going on in my life, whether anyone reads it or not. Thanks for reading this far. :)

"Weather" we like it or not

As I was thinking about what we would be doing today, I was thinking about the weather. It's too cold to be outside too much right now. That led my thinking to all of the status updates I've read lately of people complaining about the weather where they live (and I've done it too!).

This made me realize that we are never happy with the weather for more than a day or two, if that. It's always either too hot, too cold, too rainy, not enough rain, too much snow, no snow, too windy... There is always something we could find that does not particularly suit us that day.

Then I began thinking that God is in control of the weather. It is part of His handiwork, how He makes the world work with the seasons, life cycles of plants and animals, and all of what we need to survive. Yes, there are "natural disasters" that we do not understand, but we, as Christians, know that God is still in control.

This got me to thinking "how would I like it if I had to listen to people complain all the time about something I was in control of?" I'm pretty sure I would not like it at all. Now I know God is MUCH more patient and forgiving than I am (obviously), but I also know that it can't make Him happy to have to listen to us complain all the time.

These are my thoughts today...I'm going to try to complain less and just be thankful that God has given me another day to live and enjoy my life with my family and friends!

Growing Old with Jeremy

I know the title sounds like we're old already. Although some days, more frequently now, I feel like I am old already, I know we have a long way to go before we are old. We still have our children to keep us young, right? Or is it the children that cause us to feel old?

Whatever the case may be, I am loving and looking forward to growing old with Jeremy, my wonderfully loving husband! My devotion this morning was asking the question, "Is your spouse your best friend?" I already believe he is, obviously in a different capacity than my sisters or a couple of other close friends that I talk to. He is the one I go to for pretty much everything. I talk to him more than anyone else. I'd rather be with him than anyone else. And I rely on his advice and value his opinion more than anyone else, as long as he'll give it to me!

The author of today's devotion, Melanie Chitwood, said, "I want to grow old relishing my friendship with my husband, a friendship forged over years of sharing interests and making each other a priority." I honestly try to do this. Obviously with small children and their many pressing needs, this can be difficult at this stage in our life. But the time that we do have together is very special to me. She also suggests that if you do not have a hobby or interest of some sort that you both share and can do together, that you find one. If you don't, when you are old, you'll be like "the old couple sitting in a restaurant, eating their entire meal in silence." I don't want to have nothing to talk about with him once our children are grown and no longer our central focus.

Although sitting for an entire meal in silence may seem enticing right now, since there is barely a silent moment in the house with 2 little boys, I see her point. Jeremy and I both tend to be on the quiet side, which is why we have a hard time understanding how we have such talkative children (at least at home), and why there are a lot of times that we do sit in silence. The beauty of that is that it is not an awkward silence. There is no pressure to say something all the time. We enjoy the silence, and still enjoy each other's company. Yet there are things that we talk about and that we are both interested in too. But now I feel challenged to find something, an activity, that Jeremy and I could both enjoy that we could do on a consistent basis (besides watching TV!) that will help nourish our friendship.

Only time will tell if we are the old couple sitting in a restaurant without saying a word. I hope not!

When life seems hard...

There are so many days that I am so thankful that I am a Christian. If I did not have Christ in my life, I'm certain I would be a miserable person. My feelings, emotions, and self-confidence rely so much on the people around me and how they are feeling about me at the time. I'm sure this is not entirely healthy, and I've never sought "help" to work on this, but I do not deny it. Although I know my worth is in Christ, I am an emotional woman who needs the affirmation of her husband, children, family & friends to make me feel like I am important to them.

I love God, and I am so thankful for his mercy and grace that saved me. I truly rely on Him to give me peace and joy. I think I just seek out that joy in my family & friends, or perhaps that's how He provides the joy in my life. Thankfully, I have good people in my life that love me and love God.

But, when times seem difficult... like I'm not feeling loved, appreciated, respected, or heard, I turn to God, and I know He will always see me as His. He loves, appreciates, respects, and listens to me. If I did not know this about Him, I am certain I would have problems. Thankfully, I know Him and that He loves and cares for me, and I can get through the hard times relying on His love for me!

My Wonderful Husband

I am very blessed to have a wonderful husband, Jeremy. He is my best friend. I don't think that I let him know enough how much I love and respect and appreciate him. He is so good to me. He often tells me how much he loves me, how beautiful I am, and how much he appreciates what I do as wife and mother in our home.

He is an excellent provider for our family. He loves his boys. He is loving and generous, firm in his discipline, fun to be with, full of wisdom and practicality. I look to him for so much. My heart jumps everyday when I hear the door opening, signaling his arrival home from work. I love that it does that. I look forward to seeing his face, his beautiful eyes, his smile, and feeling his arms around me and his gentle kiss. My world seems right when I am with him.

Granted, I breathe a sigh of relief that I have some help with the boys when he gets home. But, he doesn't even have to do anything. Just knowing that he is there, I breathe easier and usually calm down a bit in his presence. His laid-back attitude in life definitely complements my tendency to get stressed about even the smallest things. I am a better person with him.

As Christians, we know that it was God that put us together, and we thank Him often for blessing us with one another. It is also this faith that makes our marriage strong. Yes, we have our difficulties. Anyone who says they don't is just lying. But, because of our faith in God and our love for each other, we work through these times and come out of them stronger in our faith and in our marriage.

I told Jeremy yesterday that I had started a blog. He jokingly asked if I was going to complain about him on it. Of course I told him that was crazy. And as I think more about that, and things that I have read lately, I want to be sure that I absolutely do not do that. My husband wants and needs my respect. My commitment and love for him will remain, even when I am feeling mad, sad, upset, or whatever it may be. It would do nothing positive to complain about him to other people. I want to always show the love and respect for him that he deserves! He is a wonderful, godly man that I look forward to spending the rest of my life with, and I want our children to see and hear the love and respect we have for one another too.

Ephesians 5:33 says "Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." BOTH of these things need to be present in a marriage. It is also something that has to be done. Love and respect are action verbs here - something we are to do, not something that we should just feel. That also means that we can choose to do these things. I choose to love and respect Jeremy. And I feel that our marriage will remain strong for the rest of our life together.